My Shitty Boyfriend

I decided to propose to my boyfriend, with help from a drone. It was a perfect plan. I knew that every Wednesday he went to a park on the west side for a fitness boot camp from 5-6:30 and then went with the boot camp group to a nearby bar for trivia. It was his *thing* and I respected that he maintained this for the entire two and a half years we’d been dating.  

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He was very into drones, which made no sense to me, but he had talked ad nausem about them, he had a collection of them, and he taught me to use them. So I decided to rig one up with the ring, fly it over to the park, and meet him and the drone there to do the whole down-on-one-knee thing.  

It’s all happening, I go over there, and he’s nowhere to be found. I wait. No show. I go to the trivia bar. No show. So I texted him, “where u at?” and he doesn’t respond. I begin to worry but assume that I had misunderstood his longstanding Wednesday plans. Maybe it was a different park and bar? Maybe it was on hiatus and he was stuck late at work? So I went home and went to bed.  

He came home around 11, as he usually does on Wednesdays, crawls into bed, and we sleep. It was nice. While we were getting ready the next morning, I want to ask him where he had been but I know how he gets when I ask too many questions about his whereabouts. He’s very protective of his privacy – this is the first time it actually bothered me. 

So gingerly, I ask, “How was boot camp last night? And did you win at trivia?” he responds that it was great, he’s sore, and they didn’t win but had a nice time. So I tenderly implore, “Which park did were you at?” and he tells me. And it’s the park I had been at. Now, it’s not a huge park. I would have seen him if he was there.  

Don’t even ask about the drone footage of me sadly wandering around a mostly-empty park and then to a mostly-empty trivia bar. Don’t worry. There’s more footage.  

I brought it with me the next week when I went back to boot camp and trivia bar, where my boyfriend again wasn’t.  

And I brought it with me when I bought a GPS tracker, and I brought it with me when I stuck that in my boyfriend’s car. And I brought it with me when I sat, watching the map, watching my boyfriend’s car, watching it drive past the west side, turn north for miles, east for miles, north for miles, west for miles. He literally drove, seemingly aimlessly, in circles, from 5 until 10. And then he drove home. He never stopped anywhere for more than a red light.  

When he got home, he got in bed, we went to sleep.  

The next morning, I was looking in the mirror, wondering what the fuck was going on with my life, when he walked up behind me and rested his chin on my shoulder and looked into my mirror eyes. And he said, “We should get married. Will you marry me?”.  

I said yes. I destroyed all that drone footage. We’ve been married for three years now. He still has his Wednesday night drives. I still pretend not to know. I just wish he was as fit as he would be if he truly did fitness boot camp every Wednesday for ninety minutes.  


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